Its hard to come back from the last posting! When my life’s extensive rumination ends with the principle of trying to “be a little kinder” what more can be said?
Assuming we can accept the premise espoused by Huxley and Suess (if you’re new to the blog you may need to read the previous 2 posts…) what more can be said on the purpose of our day to day life? An end to navel gazing and a call to action to love and be kind!
Perhaps the theme of this blog should refocus on a slightly different theme. Not so much why or if is it important to be loving and kind, but more how can we more consistently achieve this behaviour and approach to life in a modern and complicated world?
Clarity of purpose and consistency in behaviour is always easier in Utopian environments. The how seems to come naturally. Last year our family went on a 3 month trip to the remote outback where we all learnt enormously on what it is to be human. In particular, the demands of camping in an isolated and rugged environment forced us to work together in a constructive, purposeful and positive way. We realised that being loving and kind was actually pretty important in getting things done, and over time just came naturally to us.
We came back home with a new sense of engagement and focus on relationships within and external to the immediate family. Yet returning to a “normal” routine provided its challenges. Some 9 months later we have maintained some but certainly not all of our focus on being loving and kind. Day to day strategies to keep our behaviour more consistent with these principles seem necessary. The well of inspiration and insight can run easily dry in the face of the relentless demands of school/work/social/sporting schedules. Screen time also seems to be an insidious evil that somehow permeates the consciousness in a counter-productive way.
Clearly the problem of how is not sufficiently solved by holidays/experiences in Utopia. How can we be more consistently loving and be kind in the context of day to day life? One could even ask for Suess’ version of The Sneetches II… did the Sneetches indeed maintain their loving and kindness, once the lesson from “Stars upon Thars” became a distant memory??
This question can be looked at with reference to conventional psychological principles of changing behaviour. I confess to having some professional knowledge in this area, without being an expert. Conventional belief and to a degree scientific knowledge would suggest that changing behaviour:
1. Requires a genuine desire and readiness to change. You can’t fake it and expect to achieve genuine change
2. Behaviours become habits. The “Just Do It” doctrine from Nike works for some. And if you keep doing “it” (behaving with love and kindness to others), a positive habit should form. Like all habits, with time it becomes easier to maintain the behaviour over time. Some even believe that it takes 6-12 weeks for a behavioural habit to become “hard wired” in the brain. Certainly my experience with exercise (which I now have no problem regularly doing) would suggest this is true
3. Practical cues/reminders can help to develop the positive habit in those early 6-12 weeks
4. Measuring how often positive behaviour occurs and problem solving as to how these periods can become more frequent can be useful
5. Excessive focus on thoughts can be a circular exercise. Sometimes it is necessary to disassociate thoughts from behaviour. In other words, you can choose to behave in a positive way irrespective of what is going on with your thoughts
6. If, despite many attempts the behaviour change is not happening, perhaps your beliefs/thoughts/feelings/values underpinning your behaviour require investigation. That is, back to the drawing board about Huxley and Suess’ premise on love and kindness.
I’ll try to put this fairly jargon riddled blog into an example. As of today I commit to become more loving and kind. I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life coming to the realisation of the importance of this and I’m ready to change (point 1). I like the “Just Do It” approach, at least as a starting point. After all, how hard is it to be loving and kind to those around you? (point 2). I’ve ordered a wrist band with loving and kind inscribed on it. I will wear this as a practical reminder of my behavioural goals. I might even snap it when I see my behavioural balance shifting too far away from love and kindness… and look at the message and praise myself when I’m behaving in a Sneetch like way! (point 3) I may leave the measurement side of things until I’ve tried the simple stuff. I know for a fact that when I’m feeling angry/negative/depressed that behaving in a loving and kind way is a sure fire method of snapping out of it. I will be disciplined to use this approach of behaving positively irrespective of what I’m thinking/feeling (point 5).
I’d be fascinated to hear your thoughts on the above. What are your strategies for behaving in a loving and kindly manner? If you believe in love and kindness as a way of living, how do you deal with conflict? Or with the daily grind of mundane tasks that can create a kind of behavioural stupor?
I certainly have no easy answers, but I am as certain as I can be that love and kindness is the best way for me to live my life. Despite my years of personal enquiry on my core beliefs, I have only recently come to seriously exploring strategies for sustained behaviour change.
