Love and kindness

Its hard to come back from the last posting!  When my life’s extensive rumination ends with the principle of trying to “be a little kinder” what more can be said? 

Assuming we can accept the premise espoused by Huxley and Suess (if you’re new to the blog you may need to read the previous 2 posts…) what more can be said on the purpose of our day to day life?  An end to navel gazing and a call to action to love and be kind!

Perhaps the theme of this blog should refocus on a slightly different theme.  Not so much why or if is it important to be loving and kind, but more how can we more consistently achieve this behaviour and approach to life in a modern and complicated world?

Clarity of purpose and consistency in behaviour is always easier in Utopian environments.  The how seems to come naturally.  Last year our family went on a 3 month trip to the remote outback where we all learnt enormously on what it is to be human.  In particular, the demands of camping in an isolated and rugged environment forced us to work together in a constructive, purposeful and positive way.  We realised that being loving and kind was actually pretty important in getting things done, and over time just came naturally to us.

We came back home with a new sense of engagement and focus on relationships within and external to the immediate family.  Yet returning to a “normal” routine provided its challenges.  Some 9 months later we have maintained some but certainly not all of our focus on being loving and kind.  Day to day strategies to keep our behaviour more consistent with these principles seem necessary.  The well of inspiration and insight can run easily dry in the face of the relentless demands of school/work/social/sporting schedules.  Screen time also seems to be an insidious evil that somehow permeates the consciousness in a counter-productive way.

Clearly the problem of how is not sufficiently solved by holidays/experiences in Utopia.  How can we be more consistently loving and be kind in the context of day to day life?  One could even ask for Suess’ version of The Sneetches II… did the Sneetches indeed maintain their loving and kindness, once the lesson from “Stars upon Thars” became a distant memory??

This question can be looked at with reference to conventional psychological principles of changing behaviour.  I confess to having some professional knowledge in this area, without being an expert.  Conventional belief and to a degree scientific knowledge would suggest that changing behaviour:

1.     Requires a genuine desire and readiness to change.  You can’t fake it and expect to achieve genuine change

2.     Behaviours become habits.  The “Just Do It” doctrine from Nike works for some.  And if you keep doing “it” (behaving with love and kindness to others), a positive habit should form.  Like all habits, with time it becomes easier to maintain the behaviour over time.  Some even believe that it takes 6-12 weeks for a behavioural habit to become “hard wired” in the brain.  Certainly my experience with exercise (which I now have no problem regularly doing) would suggest this is true

3.     Practical cues/reminders can help to develop the positive habit in those early 6-12 weeks

4.     Measuring how often positive behaviour occurs and problem solving as to how these periods can become more frequent can be useful

5.     Excessive focus on thoughts can be a circular exercise.  Sometimes it is necessary to disassociate thoughts from behaviour.  In other words, you can choose to behave in a positive way irrespective of what is going on with your thoughts

6.     If, despite many attempts the behaviour change is not happening, perhaps your beliefs/thoughts/feelings/values underpinning your behaviour require investigation.  That is, back to the drawing board about Huxley and Suess’ premise on love and kindness.

I’ll try to put this fairly jargon riddled blog into an example.  As of today I commit to become more loving and kind.  I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life coming to the realisation of the importance of this and I’m ready to change (point 1).  I like the “Just Do It” approach, at least as a starting point.  After all, how hard is it to be loving and kind to those around you? (point 2).  I’ve ordered a wrist band with loving and kind inscribed on it.  I will wear this as a practical reminder of my behavioural goals.  I might even snap it when I see my behavioural balance shifting too far away from love and kindness… and look at the message and praise myself when I’m behaving in a Sneetch like way! (point 3)  I may leave the measurement side of things until I’ve tried the simple stuff.  I know for a fact that when I’m feeling angry/negative/depressed that behaving in a loving and kind way is a sure fire method of snapping out of it.  I will be disciplined to use this approach of behaving positively irrespective of what I’m thinking/feeling (point 5).

I’d be fascinated to hear your thoughts on the above.  What are your strategies for behaving in a loving and kindly manner?  If you believe in love and kindness as a way of living, how do you deal with conflict?  Or with the daily grind of mundane tasks that can create a kind of behavioural stupor?

I certainly have no easy answers, but I am as certain as I can be that love and kindness is the best way for me to live my life.  Despite my years of personal enquiry on my core beliefs, I have only recently come to seriously exploring strategies for sustained behaviour change.  

Time to re-boot the blogosphere!

Thanks to all those who commented on the first blog.  Commonly people described being aware of the insidiousness of consumer spirit, but felt so embedded in the dream (symbolised in the previous blog by the iPad) that a way out was deemed improbable… or at least not a priority.  What is it about consumerism that keeps us engaged?  The simple Pavlovian positive re-inforcement that occurs immediately after purchasing an Apple product?  But what about the negative feelings after the joy of splashing the cash has faded?  And why do these negative feelings, that presumably accumulate over time, not lead to some sort of behaviour change?  Perhaps an awareness of excessive consumerism does not rate relative to other time pressures, priorities or ethical/moral issues?  Maybe people don’t want to, or don’t have enough energy to think about and change the way they behave? 

For me personally, I have already gone through my own personal development journey including over 20 years of personal journal reflection and a “sea change” to a rural/seaside area 100km from the commercial centre where most career opportunities lie (to which I commute 2-3 times a week).  This then raises the issue of whether I can or should try and change any further?  Should I sit back and accept “who I am”?  And if I still want to keep “growing” in a personal development sense, should this involve any environmental changes such as “downshifting”, changing job or moving further away from the city?  Despite the fact that I live in an idyllic location, have a beautiful family and a fulfilling job I still feel a need to let go of some of the negative aspects of my behaviour and beliefs… like my Apple obsession and an overly consumerist approach.  Should I try and do something about this, and if so, what?

Again The Sneetches tells all…

In Dr Seuss’ classic book, the Sneetches go through a series of progressively more manic consumerist frenzies.  They want stars on their tummies, then fashion (determined by what the other type of Sneetches have) dictate that they should have no stars, and so a seemingly unending cycle of purchasing stars and then removal of stars commences. 

All the rest of that day, on those wild screaming beaches,

The Fix-It-Up Chappie kept fixing up Sneetches.

Off again! On again! In again! Out again!

Through the machines they raced round and about again

Dr Seuss (1961)

At the end of the story (sorry to spoil the ending for those who haven’t read it), the Sneetches realise the absurdity of their behaviour and focus instead on what it is to be human; that is to love.

Perhaps my pursuit of personal development is in fact just another form of chasing a fashion?  Can an individual’s excessive focus on personal beliefs and behaviours be compared with the excesses of consumerism?  Maybe the focus for us all needs to be less on change (personal growth), and more on positive engagement with others. 

In the end does Aldous Huxley sum it up most accurately when he reportedly said:

“It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than try to be a little kinder”

Welcome to Stars Upon Thars!

“Just pay me your money and hop right aboard!”

So they clambered inside. Then the big machine roared.

And it klonked. And it bonked. And it jerked. And it berked.

And it bopped them about. But the thing really worked!

When the Plain-Belly Sneetches popped out, they had stars!

They actually did. They had stars upon thars!”

Dr Seuss (1961)

On the way to work today, on a crowded train station, surrounded by commuters hustling for position, Dr Seuss’ prophetic words struck me.

An impossible absurdity… rampant consumer complicity… of which I realised I was part of.

The iPhone 4, the iPad 2 (which I have just guiltily purchased)… upgrade now… but the iPhone 5 is coming out soon.  Damn it…!

Apple’s growth strategy is based on the commercial principles clearly denunciated by Dr Seuss in a story book I loved reading as a child!

Growing up in a household with limited access to new books, I read the good doctor with a somewhat self serving satisfaction.  I understood what Seuss was talking about when the shrewd businessman arrived from out of town to convince the Sneetches that a star on the belly was “cool”, only to subsequently sell the image of no stars as the latest “upgrade”.  After cycling through a frenetic period of consumer madness (purchasing stars, then paying to have the stars removed, over and over again), the Sneetches were left exhausted, broke and confused as to whether it was “fully sick” to have a star or not.  Thankfully the Sneetches realised the folly of their ways, and as the businessman left town with all their money, they got on with enjoying life together… stars or no stars.

As a child I understood and passionately agreed with the themes from the Sneetches:

• Fashion can be fun
• But fashion linked with consumerism can be easily used to manipulate the masses
• Unchecked consumption takes us away from what it is to be human
• To be human is to lovingly engage with others

These themes have seemingly been at the core of my belief system all my life.  Yet slowly, imperceptibly, a sort of unchecked consumerism has invaded my life.  I have the latest iMac desktop, a MacBook laptop, an iPhone 4 and an iPad 2 which I enjoy using for work and pleasure.  Yet I find myself uncomfortably spending more and more time looking at a screen, including searching for web links on the next upgrade to my machines.  Although there are amazing benefits associated with my technology, sometimes I wonder if the associated increase in complexity is worth it.  Reluctantly, I find myself being proud of my Apple products.  They form part of my projected image… progressive professional, cool and connected academic, sleek businessman. 

Are these slick and sexy devices the new “stars upon thars”?  And if so, is this a problem?  Or should I get over my navel gazing and just get on with life comfortable that Dr Seuss’ warnings about consumerism don’t apply to me?